I’ve worked in the service industry for three years now. Bouncing from place to place I’ve always encountered either anger, sexual advances or kindness. The latter two being the most common as usually I’m pretty good at deflecting anger. Whereas sexual advances are aplenty from “why aren’t you smiling?” To “I’d bend you over that table” in one night. It’s agressive and offensive yet whenever I stand up for myself I find myself greeted by familiar phrases such as “you’re asking for it” or “you love it really” I’d firstly like to address the concept of asking for it. I have never and will never invite you or anyone to bend me over a table and I smile for myself, not you. I apologise sir/madam if my demenor offends you but working in the service industry does not mean I owe you any kind of emotional response to your advances. In fact I will feel exactly how I feel as I tend to wear my emotions quite openly. Secondly I’d like to talk about the use of the phrase “you love it really” If I hear this phrase leered at me from one more beer breathed bar crawler I will give up on society all together and become a hermit. If I have said to you that I do not like the way you’ve spoken to me or to stop doing something I mean exactly that. There is no hidden meaning I am not playing hard to get I am simply making you aware of my boundaries. It is not an invitation for you to continue to aggressively assault or verbally harass me. It is not okay. It’s harassment. Although, amidst all this I am so grateful for the compassion I see everyday working in this industry. I see families, friends, lovers and lots of children enjoying eachothers company and good food. I also have had remarkably respectful advances from kind men. I’m grateful for every single moment that I find myself smiling at random act of kindness that the individual may not of even realised effected me. I guess I just wish we didn’t live in a society where it’s acceptable to treat people in a way that reduces them to a vechicle to attain what they desire but I guess in serving people we learn humility and for that I’m grateful as well.
Recently I re watched one of my all time favorite films, Breakfast at Tiffany’s. I think it’s the combination of Audrey Hepburn’s elegance and how much of myself I see in the character of Holly Golightly. Something about the desire for freedom to the point of self sabotage is so familiar that watching the film is sometimes quite difficult for me. The way in which she runs from any sense of commitment is one of my biggest flaws. I’ve moved around a lot in my life and therefore any issue I face my immediate reaction is to run away. I don’t seem to have the sense of grounding that my friends seem to and it’s bizarre to me to feel attached to any kind of house to me, it’s four walls and a bed there is no sentiment and no sense of ownership. Holly Golightly’s character refuses to name her cat as she doesn’t believe it belongs to her or that she belongs to it. There is such a simplistic childlike state of mind in that sentiment that makes so much sense to me how ever eccentric it may seem. Even my attitude in relationships mirror hers, I find myself meeting new people getting so close to being in a functional relationship then just as things begin to settle I self sabotage to protect myself from letting anyone too close to me. Nothing scares me more than letting anyone close enough to hurt me or figuring out how vulnerable I am. Her entire attitude of floating by effecting peoples lives yet being terrified of any kind of cage emotional or even a metaphorical one feels so close to home. I just have this habit of hurting anyone who gets close to me in a desperate attempt to retain the state of “freedom” that often turns out to just be isolation. I guess I should just name the bloody cat.